Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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