i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
