he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
