Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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