i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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