i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
So much Jack, so little girl.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
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