His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
