I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
