He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
