Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
