I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
