Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
