just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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