im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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