There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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