I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
