remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
