hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
did you just send me my own nude
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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