Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
