Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
