i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
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