My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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