so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
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