watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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