Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
