Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
