I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I have aggressive nipples.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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