A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
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