You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i love accidental penises.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
