At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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