I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
