I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
