my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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