Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I want a musical about memes.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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