New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
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