my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
