"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Couch. On fire.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
