you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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