walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize