Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
