My cat gives me a boner
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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