Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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