I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
