How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
