I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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