I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
don't judge my taste in strippers
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Randomize
