I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
