so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
