Umm I'm too high to move.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
