Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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